Of Shadows and Light

Of Shadows and Light

“Dear God, I cannot love Thee the way I want to.

You are the slim crescent of a moon that I see

And my self is the earth’s shadow that keeps me from seeing all the moon…

I do not know you God, because I am in the way.”

~Flannery O’Connor, A Prayer Journal 

Flannery O’Connor’s personal writings show a heart that longs for intimacy with God. Her initial entries, however, reflect feelings of failure. As a Catholic, she knew traditional prayers but noted, “I have been saying them and not feeling them. My attention is always very fugitive.”

One particular phrase caught my attention. She asked God what He really wanted from her, hoping to avoid the pitfalls of “scrupulous nervousness” and “lax presumption.” I believe countless people of faith either live in one mindset or the other. Or worse, they ping-pong between the two.

Labyrinth photoThink about it for a moment. Does the Christian life feel like a perpetual labyrinth, requiring constant attention to avoid a wrong turn or falling into a hole? Do we have to keep some sort of perfect equilibrium to get through the minefield of carnal life and finally win the pleasure of God?

Or do we compartmentalize our faith into something we do on Sundays? Does our prayer life boil down to “Help!” in times of urgency? Still, we’ve been baptized and know the Scriptures, and occasionally give a dollar to that guy on the street corner. So we’re set.

Is God breathing down our necks and wagging a finger? Or is He off in the distance, giving us an occasional thumbs up? Of course, neither image characterizes God.

I closed O’Connor’s book and felt a wave of gratitude. For years now, I have been free from the shadows of condemnation. As I describe in my book—being under condemnation feels like God is constantly disappointed with you. You come up short every day and say with resolve, “I’ll try harder tomorrow.” You spend hours baking cherry pies only to find out that God really prefers apple.

Somewhere on my long journey of faith, I discovered that freedom from condemnation is not presumption.Continue reading

Moonlight Limitations

Moonlight Limitations

“The Bible without the Holy Spirit is a sundial by moonlight.”

—Dwight L. Moody (1837-1899)

In the summer of 1991, Duncan and I travelled to Cody Wyoming to look at a piece of land down the south fork of the Shoshone River. At the time, we considered buying 13 acres that included a small house to help Young Life start a backpack program. Two YL staffers drove up from Colorado Springs to meet us and see the lay of the land. It is a stunning area, similar to Yellowstone Park.

As we stood on the lot, I thought about our own backpack trip in 1978. photo 1

The trailhead was just down the road. We had hiked from there over the mountains into the Greybull headwaters to fly-fish.

It was thick grizzly country, and I had a tiny can of mace.

It was also our honeymoon—and you guessed it—my husband picked the trip!

 

 

The Bible says, “Who is this coming up from the wilderness
 leaning on her beloved?”           (Song of Solomon 8:5)

photo 4

That would be me—sleep deprived and weary. How does one slumber with the thought of bears lurking? I also grew some whopping blisters on my heels the size of sand dollars. At certain points near the end of the trip, I did more than lean. My husband actually carried me across places in the river to keep my feet dry. Very kind.

Hypothetically speaking, if he had taken Song of Solomon 8:5 as a confirmation for an idyllic backpack honeymoon, he would’ve been reading by moonlight! 

A wilderness to him was a pristine area. To me, it was a desert experience. The same word can mean very different things.

I survived the honeymoon. photo 2

He didn’t mean to cause any trouble or hardship. He just wanted to fish!

Footprints in Sand

Next time we’d go here…

 

Back to the lot in Wyoming:  The current resident in the little house on 13 acres was an outfitter. He guided trips for people to hunt and fish in the backcountry. When we arrived, he was busy packing a string of horses with gear, food, tents and other provisions to set up a fishing camp. But it was late in the day.

The outfitter said he preferred to travel at night. “You can see quite a lot under a full moon.” He wouldn’t run into any other pack trains or have to back up on a narrow trail. I think he was a loner at heart.

“What about bears?” I asked, remembering my nights hunkered in the tent, with mace in hand. Bears were always a risk, he said. They tended to be more active when the hot sun went down. Still, he left anyway.

I pictured him and all the horses making their way through the dark forest by moonlight. I thought him very brave.

Historically, much of humankind has navigated spiritually by moonlight, so to speak.Continue reading

The Predicament of “Otherness”

The Predicament of “Otherness”

Years ago, a Harvard sociology professor spoke on the subject of “taming barbarians.” He maintained that across many diverse cultures and throughout time, the future and stability of every civilization depended on it. Barbarians were defined as boys and men, ages 15-25.

Barbarians, he said, tend to live for self-serving, short-term goals. Girls and women—as child-bearers—are fundamentally more interested in building the future. And so the taming force for guys comes down to whether or not they form committed relationships—through marriage and parenting.

However, in modern times (read: birth control and promiscuity) many young women are short-term-goalers too. Just think how many sitcoms and reality shows depict 20 to 30-somethings acting like junior high kids—cheating, lying, backstabbing, and hooking up. A & E’s Crazy Hearts: Nashville premiered last night offering just that.

And so marriage and family structures are at risk on more than one front. Committed relationships are the glue in all societies, and the lack of them brings instability and downfall. History is fraught with examples.

Maybe you’re offended by this professor’s analysis. I tend to agree with him, though I don’t see it as a gender issue—rather a human condition.

In our carnal nature, we’d like everything to be centered around our life, with others fitting in accordingly. We want control of the channel-changer. We secretly turn the thermostat up or down to our liking. Movies like The Stepford Wives (1975) and the recently released film called, Her (2013), explore the idea of spouses and lovers created as an extension of ourselves. We want the world to be “personalized” for us.

Google, Amazon, and Siri are constantly forming their sense of what we want, echoing our desires back to us. Pandora will make a radio station just for you. Writer, Cass Sunstein, says that this kind of thing is a form of modern slavery. Similar to Huxley’s Brave New World, “people have lots of fun, but their lives lack meaning or genuine connection.” Their desire for pleasure is both “seductive and soul-destroying.”

Basically, we’d like to eliminate the wildcard of another’s “otherness.”Continue reading