Furnace of Doubt

Furnace of Doubt

“I believe in Christ and confess Him not like some child; my hosanna has passed through an enormous furnace of doubt.”

– Fyodor Dostoevsky

Dostoevsky as young manOrphaned at age seventeen, Dostoevsky had his whole life before him. Though he graduated from a military engineering school, honoring his father’s wishes, he did not want to be an engineer. With a small income from his father’s estate, Dostoevsky devoted himself to writing and achieved instant notoriety with the publication of his first novel, Poor Folk. That success gave him access to intellectual and literary circles in St. Petersburg, where he became involved in the sociopolitical issues of the day.

Now watch as God dramatically intervened in his circumstances…

Dostoevsky joined the Petrashevsky Circle, a utopian socialist group that secretly published propaganda against the Russian Tsar. In April 1849, he and others were arrested for sedition and sentenced to death. While he waited in prison for his execution, a small group of women brought him a New Testament. As he pored over the Gospel accounts, a profound shift occurred in his understanding of life.

Dostoevsky mock executionBut after eight long months in prison, execution day came in late December. Blindfolded and stripped, the first three prisoners were tied to stakes. Dostoevsky stood with the next group of three, waiting. A firing squad took aim. At the very last moment,Continue reading

Saying Yes

Saying Yes

“I don’t know Who—or what—put the question.

I don’t know when it was put.

I don’t even remember answering.

But at some moment I did answer Yes to Someone—or Something

and from that hour

I was certain that existence is meaningful and that, therefore,

my life, in self-surrender, had a goal.”

 —Dag Hammarskjold, Markings

In my teen years and early twenties, Dag Hammarskjold’s book, Markings, captivated me. I found it in my grandmother’s library. She was an evolved woman for her time. Beautiful, smart, articulate, and full of the Holy Spirit—she was really something. My grandfather left love notes in her Bible, addressing her as “Myrtle, my queen.” Above is a photo of my grandparents when they worked in New Delhi India, after the Gandhi years.

I think what moved me about my grandmother and also Hammarskjold was their capacity to talk or write about things in a real way. Not many in their generation did.

Perhaps that’s why J.D. Salinger’s, The Catcher in the Rye, exploded on the literary scene in 1951, because few had written so honestly.

Wikipedia says, Salinger’s book still sells a quarter of a million copies every year and has been translated into nearly all the world’s major languages. “The novel deals with complex issues of identity, belonging, connection and alienation.” Not that we’ve ever needed more icons of teenage rebellion. But most people want more honesty.

It’s also why I like Don Miller’s writing voice and his breakout book, Blue Like Jazz: Non-Religious Thoughts on Christian Spirituality.  The subtitle alone hooked me. I crave authenticity.

And that craving inspired me to write, Closer Than Your Skin. I didn’t have an appetite to write a pedantic, preachy kind of non-fiction book. That would be “drivel” as one editor put it. I wanted to write honestly about the Christian journey and mostly talk about a real God—not knowledge, theology, or platitudes but tangible encounters.

Experiencing God begins with saying, “Yes.” It began that way for me, and it can begin that way for you. Hopefully it already has.

Patrisha doing her thing

Patrisha doing her thing

Let me share one of my “yes” encounters.

Ray Hughes spoke at a Bozeman conference in July 2009. My friend Patrisha Gazy, a prophetic artist, was asked to paint. During the worship time, she started working on a large canvas up near the stage.

At that time in my life, my book had been published and in stores for 19 months. I’d also completed a 34-cities, 55-events, book tour that I paid for and organized. It took a ton of time and energy and was a financial risk. By God’s grace, book sales paid for it in the end.

My editor encouraged me to write another book—maybe a novel this time. Are you kidding? A prophetic lady I met on the tour prophesied that I would write many books. (BTW, there are two other prolific authors named, “Susan Hill,” both from England—maybe she confused me with them!)

The truth? I couldn’t even imagine it. I was tired.

So God decided to approach the subject in a different way, and one night I had a dream.Continue reading

Signposts – Part II

Signposts – Part II

Okay, now things get interesting.

Yes, I experienced a genuine healing from a medical condition never known to resolve (Writer’s Cramp). Talk about a sign. But, instead of acting on my pastor’s words, I stalled. Why? Because I failed to see myself as a writer. And more importantly, I didn’t have any vision for what God wanted me to write.

Consider these words from Oswald Chambers: (paraphrased, July 6th entry)

         We always have visions, before a thing is made real. Although the vision is real, it’s not real in you. The vision isn’t a castle in the air, but a vision of what God wants you to be. 

          God gives you the vision and then takes you down in the valley to batter you into the shape of the vision. He puts you through fires and floods to get you to the place where He can trust you with the veritable reality. Over and over again, you might try to escape from His hand. In the valley, many faint and give way. But every vision will be made real, if you have patience. Think of the enormous leisure of God.

         Don’t lose heart in the process. If you’ve ever had a vision from God, you may try as you like to be satisfied on a lower level, but God will never let you.

During those years of stalling, some interesting signposts popped up along the way. God began pointing to my design, as He geared up to impart vision.Continue reading